Marisha is a very experienced lifestyle
and professional Dominatrix in San Francisco.
You can send your questions to Marisha at:
[email protected]

Dear Mistress Marisha,

Firstly I live in London, England and we are really in need of professionals such as yourself. My own fantasies and experiences have been left severely lacking at the hands of prostitutes who really don't know what they are doing and I was just about to give in to the fact that perhaps submission wasn't my thing until a recent business trip to America. Whilst in L.A. I had a session with a prodomme, who I later found out was quite well known in your country, and it literally blew my mind!!! My faith was restored and my interest rekindled! However, the experience has left me confused and as there is no one that I deem worthy to consult in my country, I wanted to ask you.

(a) I am not into sex with strangers or prostitutes, but merely want to experience sensual, but very severe pain. Is this normal?

(b) My ultimate fantasy is to receive an extreme caning that breaks the skin, but despite being able to take very hard spanking by hand and strap I can only take the lightest of taps with a cane, why is this, what can I do about it and is it dangerous?

(c) I am not into the mistress/slave psychology but really get off on the other person enjoying hurting me in a loving way. Is this unusual?

(d) Lastly, I have developed a perhaps unhealthy desire to be tied up, threatened and cut with knives. Have you come across this before or am I just mad?!?!

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm genuinely lost in this new world. I'd really value your input.

Best regards,

Steve

First of all, like everyone who is into bdsm, you are not "normal". But why do you want to be normal, average, and similar to everyone else? Be strong! Accept those things that make you different and unique. The kinky activities that you mention are not necessarily unhealthy or obsessive, so they probably won't impair your ability to live a "normal" life, if that is what you so desire.

Many men do have some sort of fantasy of being able to accept pain or torture. Indeed, the ability to bear pain could be considered "macho" or "manly." Professional sports such as baseball, basketball, football, soccer, boxing, and hockey all require the participants to meet pain bravely, to fight through it in order to gain victory. In television and blockbuster Hollywood movies, heroes have to overcome all sorts of agony, including a prolonged fight to the death with the bad guy. These fights usually show the "good guy" taking quite a beating before overcoming the odds.

With all of the media and societal hype over the "battered hero," it would seem natural that men would harbor secret fantasies of enduring torture to prove their manliness. Ultimately, these tests of strength and endurance are meant to excite interest in the opposite sex. In a typical sadomasochistic fantasy, the protagonist is not an evil maniac bent on overthrowing the world. Instead, your tormentor is likely to be a beautiful and desirable sadist who derives sexual satisfaction from tormenting you. The more pain you can take, the more sexually excited she becomes. Your ability to endure pain focuses her pleasure. Her level of sexual desire sets a sensual tone for the tortures she plans for you.

As long as you play safely, you may enact this type of fantasy without risk of serious injury. For example, a spanking or flogging can provide the painful stimulus you crave, and the resulting "damage" would be limited to a few bruises on the butt which can fade within hours or days. A few bruises after a football game would be considered par for the course. Why should a few bruises on the butt from a hard spanking be considered sick?

There are different types of pain, and your inability to take a caning may arise from those differences.

Some types of implements produce a sensation described as "thud," while others produce "sting." A paddle is an example of a "thuddy" implement, while both cat-o-nine tails and cane produce a stingy feel. Your brain may interpret the "thud" from a spanking as being non-injurious pain, especially if you have been spanked many times before. The sting of a cane may feel as if it is actually creating damage, which it may indeed produce. A cane can cut the flesh if used with enough force, as in the Singapore style punishment canings, which leave permanent marks on the victim.

A cane can be introduced very slowly and softly to warm you up to the sensation of sting. If you desire to work up to a hard caning in the future, try starting out slowly. You may eventually be able to accept a harder caning if you work up to it gradually over time.

Not everyone who practices "bdsm" is into dominance and submission. "BDSM" is a catch-all phrase that includes: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sado-masochistic experiences, and various fetishes and fantasies. Most people are not into everything that the "scene" includes, but pick and choose to suit their particular desires. If you are only into discipline and masochism, that is fine. You don't have to embrace humiliation or submission or anything else to be welcomed into our perverted community of players. Just respect the rights of others, and hopefully they will respect you as well.

As for your cutting fantasies, tread very carefully in this area.

Anytime you break the skin, whether that be with cane, knife, play-piercing, or any other type of sharp implement, you risk possible infection. Cutting with sharp knives carries the additional risk of a slip-up causing serious, permanent damage or even death. While fantasies of such "edge-play" create a high level of excitement, the reality carries an even greater degree of risk. Do not engage in such activities with an amateur, or even an under-skilled "professional". Edge-play skirts the edges of safe and sane play in all but a few expert hands. In order to maximize your potential for coming out in one piece, never undertake any edge-play without extensive negotiations. Such negotiations should include making sure the mistress knows CPR and has a nearby phone to dial 911.

I recommend finding someone who will enact your fantasy without actually cutting you. The careful use of a knife as a prop may create the desired excitement level without actually endangering your health. But mistakes can happen, even with a dull "costume" knife. As always, I recommend that you try to play as safely as you can. Set reasonable limits for yourself in advance of play with someone you trust not to exceed those limits. In the heat of the moment, you may ask for more than you can handle. An experienced guide will keep both of you from getting carried away.

Good luck; play safely!

Mistress Marisha