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Let's face facts:
Very few of us have sex that is completely normal. After all, normal is a slippery word to define, and certainly all of us have had kinky thoughts that, because of shyness or shame or a plain old lack of language, we just couldn't verbalize. Maybe you like to be spanked. Or maybe you're really anal erotic and dream of strap-on play. Or maybe you just like it rough and nasty. This piece is about understanding what turns us on and exploring this with our partner, safely, sanely and consensually. It is important to stress that while social taboo can often squelch perfectly healthy sexual impulses, if your sexual impulses are derived out of insecurity, fear, anger or poor self image they should be taken to a sex-positive therapist and carefully examined.
Step One: Come to terms with your own desires.
Before you can ask your partner for what you want, you must first come to terms with your desires for yourself. If you experience shame or guilt about what you want, you will sabotage your ability to communicate these fantasies to your partner and they (or you) will come across as shameful or guilty. Coming to terms with your own desires is the first, essential step to getting what you deserve. Do some research and develop a language for your interests. Watch videos, read books, look on-line. It can be really empowering to learn that others share your interests, that what you're into has a name, and that you aren't alone in your kink. Engage in introspection: where do your sexual proclivities come from? What motivates your desires? When you find the words to describe what you are interested in, and when you can see that others share and enjoy your interests, you'll be much closer to being able to communicate your needs and interests to others. Next, think about the language you use to describe what you're into. Take a look at the two statements below, delivered by a man to his girlfriend, about the fantasy of cross-dressing (dressing in the clothes of the opposite sex):
"I guess it's kind of weird, but I have this hang-up about women's clothing and kind of being, I don't know, treated like a slut or something."
"It would be so hot if you told me to wear a pair of your panties and model for you!"
The first statement clearly indicates that wanting to dress in women's clothing is "weird" and questionable. It is likely to alienate the listener, particularly if she has not been exposed to cross dressing fantasies before. The second statement is titillating; it expresses desire and mutual pleasure, and presents cross-dressing as a perfectly healthy, hot sexual option. Be aware also of your delivery: voice, facial expressions and body language can affect the way your words are perceived. Are you apologizing? Fidgeting? Seeking approval? A confidant, positive delivery will make the content of your message confident and positive.
Step Two: Explore creative methods of getting your point across
It can be extremely nerve wracking to simply blurt out your deepest sexual fantasies to your partner, particularly if you lean toward the edgy or taboo, and most of us pray for some sort of psychic ability in our partners' to get our needs met. If you're lucky enough to be very comfortable verbalizing what you want, and if your partner is equally receptive, you're in the clear and can embark on your own column! For the rest of us, here are some creative ways of discussing your desires that keep it hot while keeping you out of the hot seat:
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Test the waters and proceed slowly: don't lay all your nastiest, funkiest fantasies on your partner at once. Start with something that isn't too much of a departure from what you do now and build up. Get a feel for how the communication goes, and respect your own needs and your partner's limits. Keep in mind that many people are overly skeptical of their partner's responsiveness to their interests. In my experience the fear of judgment or rejection keeps people unnecessarily silent for far too long. Give your partner a little credit: if they dig you, they're likely to be open to what you're into.
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Once you've brought up the topic, you'll need a more detailed conversation to convey the specifics of your fantasy. Involve your partner in some creative writing exercises. Embed your desires in romantic letters or erotic short stories. Write about how you have fantasized about being blindfolded during love making, or about how beautiful you think your partner would look tied to the bed with silk scarves and what you'd like to do him or her in that position. If it is difficult to speak about what you want in the first person, try a little creative writing describing what you lust for in the third person. Leave your notes and stories on your partner's pillow, or on the bathroom mirror, or e-mail them to your partner's office to spice up his or her workday (you may want to double check your partner's work e-mail privacy situation before trying out this last option!)
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Collect and share erotic pictures that graphically represent predicaments you'd like to find yourself or your partner in. Fellas, here's a tip: many women will respond more positively to kinky comics and illustrations than photographs from porn magazines. Check out the Japanese comic "Bondage Fairies," and erotica by Michael Manning and Eric Stanton. A picture says a thousand words, and erotic art can often communicate intangible sensations that are difficult to verbalize.
Step Three: What to do if your partner is less than enthusiastic
It is important that you go into any conversation prepared to respect boundaries. Getting what you want in a sexual exchange is not just about saying the right thing: it's most importantly about listening to your partner. Your partner may have experience with your particular fantasy and found it unpleasant, negative, or simply not a turn on. They may have judgment for your interests as pathological, unhealthy or just plain strange. They may have philosophical or religious beliefs that run contrary to what turns you on. Ask questions to better understand why your partner is hesitant, and ask your partner if they are interested in learning more about your fantasies while stressing the ways in which they are an outgrowth of the healthy sexuality you already enjoy together.
Let's say you have a strong erotic response to spanking, but your partner was spanked as a child and can only relate to the activity as profoundly unpleasant and inappropriate for adult sexual fantasy. This is a good time to share your research: reading books or watching videos together that demonstrate how healthy, happy, consenting adults enjoy spanking may help reduce the confusion, judgment and alienation your partner feels. Be willing to compromise, and don't be in a rush to reach resolution. It is important to understand that even when all the facts are in, your partner's limits may not change and must be respected. Many of us have experienced SM fantasies and desires all our lives. They are a deep rooted and essential component of our sexuality. If your partner is steadfastly uninterested in exploring with you, ask them to help you find ways to get your needs met that respect the boundaries of your relationship. Ask your partner to condone playing with yourself, or in cyber space, or with a professional she or he chooses and initiates contact with. Finally, be inventive: determine the root sensation associated with your fantasy and work with your partner to find ways of achieving that sensation that you both enjoy.
Mistress Morgana is a professional dominant, educator and writer. She has come in contact with thousands of men and women looking to expand their erotic horizons, to learn technical skills and to better appreciate and attain their fantasies. Mistress Morgana welcomes your comments and questions. You may contact her at [email protected], or visit her website at www.mistressmorgana.com.
©2001 Morgana Maye, may not be reprinted without author's permission.
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